Friday, May 29, 2009

First Taste - the Hop-Ocalypse

Living as we all do now in the New Magic Kingdom, there is the distinct possibility that you will find yourself in the Fast Pass lane teetering at the edge of the Chasm of Hope and Fantasy, a deeply shadowed canyon of financial imagineering conjured by craftsmen exponentially more talented, yet no less criminal, than the talented Mr. Madoff. A key feature of this attraction is that, as you constantly step back from the brink, you immediately find yourself stepping up to the brink again, such that eventually you enter a catatonic state. You may stand gob smacked for hours on end, mouth agape, a pasty film turning your tongue white, dry and malodorous. A lucky few with have the necessary medicine at hand: the Hop-Ocalypse.

The Hop-Ocalypse India Pale Ale

Brewer: Clay Pipe Brewing Company, Westminster, MD

Marketing BS: "Hop-Ocalypse IPA . . . Change your world!"

Marketing Translation: We've oversold the hoppiness of our brew, but it's too late because you already bought the six pack and now you're drunk but for a few hours you'll feel like you could change the world. What do you want for $10? Now get the hell out of here!

Bottle/Label: A soft hued image of the end of the world.

The Pull: As quiet as the turning of two keys deep in a bunker.

Alcohol Content: 6%

Method of Imbibation: Mouth riding the bottle like Major Kong

First Swig: Not so much Little Man as Fat Boy. A definite radiation like scrubbing of the palate from the hops, but the carbonation provides for a controlled detonation across the tongue.

Competition: None. An exhaustive query to Wolfram/Alpha, specifically, "How many beers feature a picture of the Apocalypse on their label?" resulted in no results.

Recommendation: When standing gob smacked on the edge of financial and societal collapse, this little bottle of doom will ease your pain. Definitely keep a stockpile in your bunker.