Sunday, October 3, 2010

Limited Government

What with near revolution at our doorsteps to limit the power of the Federal Morass and return the People's Power to local simplicity, Sydney Brillo Duodenum finds himself fantasizing about a run for local representative.  And what would the Duodenum Adminstration bring to the people?  In no particular order, this:

  • All bicycle's would be banned from all major roadways during rush hour.  No longer would hard working citizens in a rush have to suffer the raised jackass of the right curb, there only to make a point about their moral superiority.
  • The municipal budget will be cut 20 percent right off the bat.  First year out, there will simply be 20 percent less spent on everything. 
  • Every municipal employee would spend every third Friday filling potholes throughout the city, and they would do it between 10 pm and 5 am so as not to gum up the rush hours.
  • A total ban on weekend parades, block parties, triathalons, 5K Runs, or any event that involves the rolling closure of any road that citizens might require to get around the damn city or to the bloody airport.  You want to hold a party, rent a hotel ballroom or run in the park.
  • All uniformed police officers will wear strapped to themselves a video camera recording their every word and interaction with the public.  This video will be automatically uploaded to a publically assessible website.
  • No uniformed officer will dress like a para-military fascist.  No jack boots.  No black camo. No black baseball caps.  No velcro.
  • Sports teams seeking bonds and breaks and boondoggles will be told to go suck eggs.
  • Tax rates will be reduced for the only reason that people can do better with their money than the government.
  • All garbage collection will be by private contractor.
  • Not one penny of tax revenue will be used to fund any art project anywhere in the city.  And any public pieces of art will be sold.  It's not the government's business to buy or promote art.  If you want to display something, you can rent a public space for a period of time and put whatever you want in it, up to and including steaming piles of shit heaped onto a Koran.
  • Teachers incapable of producing functionally literate and numerate teenagers will be fired.  Failing schools will be closed and sold to charter outfits.  The entire budget for the failee schools will be placed in escrow and each student assigned to that school can withdraw their share and use it to buy an education from the private sector.
  • Moratorium on building moratoriums and green codes.
  • Top to bottom review of the local tax code.
  • Elimination of sweet heart business licensing.  In other words, if you want to open a business attaching braids to people's real hair, you do not need a certification/license from the city attesting to your having completed 18 months of braidery with continuing education credits to remain in good standing.  And if you are a hair salon that seeks to petition the government to impose such a certification requirement on your prospective competitors, you will be tarred and feathered and marched to city limits.
  • All smoking prohibitions will be lifted.  Every business, office and property owner will decide whether to allow smoking on their premises and they will assume all liability for allowing it.
  • All food nanny rules will be suspended.  If you prefer salt and lard for dinner, the city will do nothing, put no roadblocks up, nor in any way interfere with any restaurant or food truck that is prepared to sell it to you.
  • All government owned beer/liquor outfits will be sold. 
And that's just the first week of the Duodenum Adminstration.