Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night

Well, it's only day 4 of the new year and already signs of the apocalypse have revealed themselves. I speak of the birds. The Arkansas birds. The three or four or five thousand red winged black birds which fell from the night sky. The coroner - the coroner! - blames blunt force trauma. All sorts of theories - weather, human agency, extraterrestrial shenanigans. Still waiting for global warming to be added to the list. But none of that matters. It doesn't matter who or what is responsible. Five thousand black birds baked in a pie. Will all the black birds in Oklahoma or Texas fall from the sky, too? Can this mystery be solved before robins and sparrows and bluejays, oh my, begin dropping like flies?

Oh, but wait, not all the blackbirds in Arkansas fell from the sky. Five thousand did. Yep, a big number. Imagine them all flying over your cars and park benches and Minute Men statues. Well, five thousand must be half the population of black birds in Arkansas, or maybe ten percent. Not even close.

According to a census of bird species that I am too lazy to link to, in 2007, there were approximately - drum roll - 6,300,000 red winged black birds plaguing or blessing the Arkansas landscape, depending on your viewpoint.

So, the aliens exterminated approximately .0008 percent of the Arkansas blackbird population.

It's the End Times.