Friday, July 10, 2009

The Ass Is Always Greener . . .

Sydney Brillo Duodenum does his fair share of ass-checking. It’s normal, male behavior.

In fact, on a recent sojourn to the Walt Disney World, EpCot to be precise, he beheld this glorious gluteus.

Sydney Brillo Duodenum is an ass man but not this kind of ass man, but sadly it's the new American norm. This is the typical piece of American ass on display at Epcot, although the ass message can vary widely. Often, you may see three or four such asses galumphing next to each other making it impossible to get to the Test Track FastPass lane before your pass expires and so there is nothing to do but contemplate the horror. And when at Walt Disney World, it is to be found in all directions. It is not, of course, limited to the lassies. Usually they are accompanied by similarly-sized male variants. It’s a rare day on the Epcot pavement you won’t find yourself absolutely stumped as to whether the ass is male or female, but a half finished rose or Tinkerbell tat on an exposed shoulder blade can be a helpful clue. There is a disturbing trend, however, as more and more (and SBD spends an inordinate amount of vacation time at Walt Disney World) these Lady MacButts are taking to electric scooters to move from one grease smeared ride to the next. If you invest in anything these days, be sure to invest in the manufacturers of electric scooters.

Yes, yes, Sydney Brillo Duodenum is being cruel, but the concentration of gigantic, bumpy, dimpled swamp ass makes the mind reel.

We bring this up because the Man Child, out in the big wide world, is being confronted with all kinds of European ass, and so SBD is jealous. And those Europeans are not making it easy on the man by parading Junior G8ers around him while he attempts to keep Americans’ eyes on his taut, Pouponed ass. Oh, Mr. President, don’t worry, we are paying close attention to the ass.

Here he is allegedly mapping some Euro range.

There's video that could be interpreted to suggest he is caught in an unfair photo angle of attack. Whatever.

Given the typical American ass, we cannot begrudge the Young Commissar his side glance. As we have been instructed to believe, he is a master of nuance and we must heap praise on him when he demonstrates it. Compared to Le Sarkoze, who will noticeably lean backwards or forwards to look around some other head of state to catch a nice piece of tail, Mr. Obama, in true character, is able to use his powers of misdirection to make us think he is all confused about just where to stand, and he has to look down at his feet, when in fact it’s a ruse to give him time to put the range finder on some chick’s back nine. By acting all confused about where to stand he lowers his head and hides his eyes from the cameras, allowing a complete second of mind recording and that's all he'll need for later.

Perhaps the most unfortunate aspect of Mr. Obama’s ass grazing is that the merest suggestion that he’s cataloguing contours makes us think of his wife and her current state of fitnass. That is not fair to Mrs. Obama, but once Drudge showed that picture of Mr. President imagining being a toilet seat and it spread across the intertubulations, approximately 112,785,904 Americans thought of Mrs. Obama’s ass. And they came to their own conclusions. SBD will not reveal his but he thoroughly expects Saul Menowitz to deposit a steaming pile of choice words in the comments. And they will be summarily deleted.

In any event, ass checking is the sport of men and it’s nice to see that The President, who is a complete effete pussy with respect to everything else, will not pass on ass.