Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Silence of the Meat Bones

I picked up a meat order Sunday that I placed prior to moving. Our current freezer is smaller than our last freezer, so unfortunately I do not have room for my entire order. So I would like to give away three big meat bones to anyone who may want to make a soup or broth this week. These would also be great for a family with dogs who enjoy bones. The bones are from a cow organically and locally raised.

Let me know if you'd like them. I would love not to have to throw them away.

[Guilt Ridden Libtard]
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
The above e-mail was sent through SBD's neighborhood listserv. SBD's neighborhood is accurately described in Wikipedia as follows:

[Libtown] is one of the most affluent and highly educated locales in the country, placing first in Forbes list of America's most educated small towns [FN omitted] and eleventh on's list of top-earning American towns.[FN omitted] In April 2009, Forbes ranked [Libtown] second on its list of "America's Most Livable Cities." [FN omitted]


[Libtown] is a very wealthy and well-educated area. According to the 2000 Census, [Libtown] is the best-educated city in the United States of America with a population of 50,000 or more. 79% of residents 25 or older have bachelor's degrees and 49% have graduate or professional degrees. According to a 2007 estimate[7], the median income for a household is $117,723, and the median income for a family was $168,385.

From this e-mail, we learn much of the fate of [Libtown] and the larger liberal Washington metropolitan area during these lean economic times.

First, [Libtown] matrons have enough disposable income to order entire sides of beef. That's perfectly understandable given the present rationing of beef and near empty beef bins at the Whole Foods, Giant, Safeway, Super Fresh, Trader Joes and Wagshals Market that are all within a couple miles of the e-mail sender. Thus, there is no reason to believe that ordering the better part of an "organically and locally raised," and presumably locally slaughtered by Druids, cow, is any kind of vanity project. Just like there is no reason to believe that ordering too much vanity beef is any kind of ploy to demonstrate that you are in a position to order vanity beef, in fact to order more vanity beef than you can use, thus forcing you to appeal to the wider community to share your guilt at not being able to store all your vanity beef, and really to draw attention to the entire wastefulness of the non-organic and non-local beef industry.

Second, [Libtown] matrons are being forced to move into homes with smaller second freezers than those enjoyed during the go-go Bush years but taken away by the evil BushCo Inc. Such is the case when one has to move out of one's home for six months or longer into a rental while one's original home is gutted and doubled in size. Goddamn George Bush!

Third, [Libtown] matrons are establishing micro-soup kitchens to feed their families. Again, a reasonable response to the Bush Depression.

Fourth, [Libtown] matrons are plagued by a distinctly higher set of worries than your average suburban matron. It's a real testament to the need to judge every act of disposal and its larger morality. But these matrons are a beacon in this country, which is really nothing better than a reeking, offal layered landfill.

Fifth, dogs love a good bone! Can't argue with that. But the sender really should have made it clear that the bones would go only to families that have adopted and spayed/neutered shelter dogs. No AKC need apply.

Sixth, [Libtown] matrons are highly adept at dispersing their guilt over an excess of meat bones on to their neighborhood community. After all, if "sender" would "love not to have to throw them away," then surely you would not want her to have to throw away those meat bones and, from a community perspective, frankly you have a responsibility to find room in your second freezer in your rental that you're staying in while your real house is gutted and doubled to accommodate those meat bones and to make soup or broth (but apparently not consomme) and feed the meat bones you don't grind into garden fertilizer to your shelter dog(s).

The Silence of the Meat Bones is not the only naked story in little city. The other day this e-mail crossed the deli counter:

Teach me to weld?
I'm looking for someone in the neighborhood who might be willing to give me some rudimentary instructions about how to weld, nothing too technical.

Have got a creative itch to create yard junk from recycled steel but don't know where to start.

[Moron with too much time on hands]

Yes, indeed, if there is anything the neighborhood needs more of, it's hideous ersatz welded steel piles of crap sitting on peoples' front lawns.

SBD would much rather see an installation made out of meat bones.