Thursday, August 13, 2009

First Taste - Dogfish Head Theobroma

Dogfish Head Theobroma

Brewer: Dogfish Head Craft Brewery, Inc., Milton, DE

Location: Top of a Mayan pyramid in Bethesda, MD

Marketing BS: "Theobroma, or 'Food of the Gods,' is a re-creation of the premier chocolate beverage of the Americas, intended only for the gods, kings, and the elite. This liquid time capsule is based on the earliest chemical and archeological evidence of cacao in the New World, dating to before 1100 B.C., and enhanced by natural additivies of the later Mayan and Aztec drinks."

Other side of label: "Off-Centered Ales for Off-Centered People. As per the amazing molecular evidence, this ancient ale is brewed with honey, ancho chilies, ground annatto, Soconusco cocoa nibs and cocoa powder from our good friends at ASKINOSIE chocolate."

Marketing Translation: While on vacation at Copan during spring break, one of our summer brewing interns smuggled out some pottery shards, on which we found dried scum. We paid an intern in a molecular scientist's lab a lifetime supply of our winter seasonal brew to analyze the scum and make up a list of ingredients that, according to a Hollywood script, could constitute an ancient beer recipe brewed by chest slashing drunk ass Aztec priests.

Bottle/Label: This sucker's a pint of coiled danger. Makes your wife think you're drinking an entire bottle of wine. The label features a picture of a proto-Dora the Explorer popping out of a Mayan manhole cover.

Alcohol: 9%. Well, that certainly explains the non-stop bloody sacrifices, now doesn't it?

Method of Imbibation: A Guinness pint glass. Worked, as it held the head nicely and offered forth a full quafe of liquid complicity in pre-Columbian genocidal crimes against humanity.

The Pull: As silent as an obsidian blade making the final slash across the circumflex branch of some prole's left coronary artery.

First Swig: Completely surprising in its banality, but then mass murder at the hands of a cult to honor bloodlusting deities is pretty banal. What is so surprising is how modern this craft brew is. Nowhere to be found is chocolate or cocoa or cacao or ancho chilies or chocolate cocao or ancho chocolate cacao chilies or cocoa chilies or annatto chilie cocoa cacao or Countchocula. There aren't even any Soconusco cocoa nibs to tickle with one's tongue. There is, however, enough honey to cover the daily factory run of the HoneyCombs cereal plant in Jonesboro, Arkansas. It's reminiscent of Dogfish's Aprihop but without the apricots and full bore hoppiness. Nevertheless, while presiding over one's den on a Thursday evening, fresh from a full day of humiliations at the hands of eager Obamanauts, this beer will salve your tender soul and convince you that you too are an elitist, who, given enough time, will be pitching the heartless torsos of expendable seniors down a flight of stone steps, all in homage to a delusion of grandeur and progress and hope.

Competition: Dogfish Head Midas Touch Golden Elixir; Kirin Brewery Old Kingdom Beer

Recommendation: Drink it because you'll get a sweet buzz, which will make it easier to watch the first game of the Washington Redskins preseason as they fall miserably to the Baltimore Ravens. There ain't no sacrifice big enough to save this team.