Wednesday, April 29, 2009

100 Days of Mendacious Audacity

Barack Obama sworn in as President

Barack Obama sworn in again as President

- Obama announces his intention to close Guantanamo Bay prison camp
- Obama announces the US will not use torture, which is pretty easy to promise since the US has not used torture"

Obama yesterday lifts a ban on U.S. funding for international health groups that perform abortions, promote legalizing the procedure or provide counseling about terminating pregnancies

Obama runs his first radio and YouTube video address to the nation; nation yawns

Obama arranges his suits, shirts, ties and shoes in the Executive Closet

And on the seventh day, He rested.

- Obama gives first interview as president to Al Arabyia, saying that "My job to the Muslim world is to communicate that the Americans are not your enemy;" that "all too often the United States starts by dictating -- in the past on some of these issues;" and that Islam has nothing to do with the extremist killing in its name.
- Nation heaves a huge sigh of relief as Dr. Jill Biden, wife of VP Biden, announces that she will continue to teach as adjunct professor at Northern Virginia Community College this semester, teaching two English courses"

After ignoring winter storm devastation in Kentucky and Arkansas for a week, Obama declares emergency in those states

- Obama signs his first bill, the Lilly Ledbetter Act, which makes it easier for workers to sue over pay discrimination by removing a statute of limitations on claims and makes "discrimination" and difference sin experience the assumed problem in pay disputes.
- Obama calls payout of Wall Street bonuses "shameful."

- Obama announces formation of a White House Task Force on Middle Class Working Families, which will focus on ways to make the middle class more dependent on government largesse and keep them from moving up the socio-economic ladder in order to create a permanent democrat constituency of dependents

- Obama attends annual Alfalfa Club dinner and is shown to be a humorless punk next to the knock down funny John McCain

- Obama watches video of his performance at the Alfalfa Club while smoking half a pack of Benson and Hedges and laughs himself silly

- Obama and Matt Lauer have huge make out session on national morning television

- Former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle, D-S.D., withdraws as Obama's nominee for secretary of health and human services because he's "disappointed" that he failed to remember to pay his taxes

- Obama signs SCHIP Authorization adding 4 million middle-class children to the rolls of government wards and dependents and adding $23 billion a year to the federal and state budgets
- Obama institutes executive pay cap of $500,000 on firms receiving federal support"

- At National Prayer Breakfast, The One opines that "There is no God who condones taking the life of an innocent human being. This much we know," thus seemingly contradicting his previous statements regarding similar issues that were above his pay grade
- At the House Democratic Issues Caucus in Williamsburg, VA, Obama states that Republicans are "for the false theories of the past," "phony arguments and petty politics," and he can't understand why they won't go along with his plans"

VP Joe Biden thinks "if we do everything right, if we do it with absolute certainty, we stand up there and we make really tough decisions, there's still a 30-percent chance we're going to get it wrong."

Obama and family retire to Catoctin Mountains and Camp David

Obama spends better part of day working out the logistics of teleprompter use for press conference

Obama conducts first prime time press conference to promise the stars and the moon once again to Americans, as well as declaring that there is no pork in the stimulus bill

CATO Economist Arnold Kling states that “I think about the stimulus as an economist but I feel it as a father. Barack Obama is destroying my daughter's future. It is like sitting there watching my house ransacked by a gang of thugs. That’s how I feel, now back to how I think.”

Correction: Mr. Kling actually said this: "I think about what's going on, what's happening today, as an economist, but I feel it as a father. My wife and I have three daughters, aged between 19 and 25, and when I see what's being done to their future, I am really angry. Back in September, when they were talking about taking $700 billion to "unclog the financial system," I wanted to take Henry Paulson and *yank* him out of the TV screen and say, "You keep your hands off my daughters' future!" But he got away with it. And I had to -- for me it was like sitting there watching my house being ransacked by a gang of thugs. And now we've got a new gang of thugs, and they're going to do the same thing. So, anyway, that's how I feel, we'll go back to how I think." SBD apologizes to Mr. Kling for perpetuating a falsehood.

Obama signs DTV Act delaying digital television transition for six months because a small percentage of US population refuses to subscribe to cable or satellite service and have ignored years of advance notice that analog broadcasts were to end

Sen. Judd Gregg, R-N.H., withdraws as Obama's nominee for secretary of commerce because he realizes he will be administration tool and won't have any control over the running of the national census

House Conference passes $787 billion stimulus package, the contents of which they did not read nor fully address the long term impact on the country

Millions of women send "Be My Valentine" love notes to White House; Michelle not amused

Obama plays basketball with old friends and gets haircut at barber Zariff's. (h/t Telegraph)

Presidents Day – some Americans reminded what great leaders we once had

Obama signs $787 billion porkulus bill into law, designed to save 3.5 million jobs at a cost of $225,000 per job

- After electing the first black president, Attorney General Eric Holder insists that the United States was ""a nation of cowards"" on matters of race, with most Americans avoiding candid discussions of racial issues
- Obama announces $75 billion mortgage relief plan to reward fraudsters and defaulters"

Obama takes first foreign trip to Canada, one of the 57 states, to thank Canadian volunteers who crossed the border to help his campaign

Obama's auto task force get together to figure out how to insulate the US auto industry and Big Unions from market forces

Four days after signing pork bill, Obama states "I will convene a fiscal summit of independent experts and unions, advocacy groups and members of Congress to discuss how we can cut the trillion-dollar deficit that we’ve inherited. On Tuesday, I will speak to the nation about our urgent national priorities, and on Thursday, I’ll release a budget that’s sober in its assessments, honest in its accounting, and that lays out in detail my strategy for investing in what we need, cutting what we don’t, and restoring fiscal discipline."

Obama smokes a pack of American Spirit cigarettes

- Announced Vice President Joe Biden will oversee the Administration’s implementation of the Recovery Act’s provisions
- Obama appoints Steve Rattner of Quadrangle Group, a firm that invests in media and communications companies, to be lead advisor to Treasury Dept on government takeover of the US auto industry. Rattner is best friends with NYT owners Pimp Sulzberger and his wife is former National Finance Committee chair of the Democrat Party. So, other than probably driving nice cars, he doesn't know dick about cars

Addresses joint session of Congress and in a brazen fear mongering, finger wagging, brow furrowing speech, promises to bankrupt America before the end of his first term in office; he also declares that "nobody messes with Joe," thus inviting everyone and his Mom to go to town on VP

After Bill Richardson removes himself from consideration because he may face indictment back in New Mexico for graft, Obama nominates former WA governor, Chinagate figure, and hide-the-marble campaign fund raiser Gary Locke for Secretary of Commerce

Obama announces that, because of the huge Bush budget deficit, he is forced to put forward "a budget sober in its assessments," "honest in its accounting," and "restoring fiscal discipline," that proposes the largest federal budget ever proposed at $3.6 trillion for 2010, but it's Bush's fault that the deficit is so big.

- The White House Task Force on Middle Class Families, led by Vice President Joe Biden, holds its inaugural meeting in Philadelphia at the University of Pennsylvania; topic of the day - what impact will green jobs have on middle class families. Answer: it will drive up all of their energy costs and keep them from affording to send their kids to place like UPenn
- Obama announces all US troops will be out of Iraq by 2:16 pm August 26, 2010, with the exception of all the US troops needed to ensure a modicum of peace such that Obama is not accused of losing Iraq because he wanted to make a point about timetables"

Obama causes national narcoleptic episode with weekly radio/Youtube address

Secretary of State Clinton announces that the US is giving $300 million to the Hamas terrorist hunta in Gaza, as penance for Israel once again defending its citizens from unceasing rocket attacks

- USTR nominee Ron Kirk reveals he's a tax scofflaw
- Nominates Kansas Governor and extreme abortionist Katherine Sebelius to HHS
- Releases $155 million to create health care centers ""across the US"" that are expected to create 5,500 jobs"

- Sends letter to Russia looking to trade missle defence for some help with Iran
- Obama snubs UK PM Gordon Brown, denying him public press palm pressing and then sends him home with DVD collection of top 25 films, in a format that will nto play on European DVD players
- Released $28 billion of ARRA funds to create OR save 150,000 jobs by the end of 2010"

Obama nominates Craig Fulgate, a non-hack heading Florida's Dept. of Emergency Management, to head FEMA. Fugate was appointed to his Florida post by Gov. Jeb Bush.

Obama hosts daylong White House summit on health care; MSM fails to report "Let's Play Doctor" session in the Blue Room

The Dow Jones Industrial Average falls 20 percent since Inauguration Day, the fastest drop under a newly elected president in at least 90 years; Obama owns the bear market

The nation is roused from its sleep by another radio/Youtube address chastising them for not taking Obama's economic program seriously

Obama salutes Senator Ted Kennedy at Kennedy Center

- Signs Executive Order completely lifting Bush's Executive Order that defined the parameters for federal funding of embryonic stem research on existing stem cell lines; establishes budget category for creating more lines for research, but sets no limits to the type of research that can be conducted
-Obama states that "I have more than enough to do without having to worry the financial system."

Obama commits to spending a $3.46 gazillion on education because "it's for the children"

- Obama signs $410 billion spending bill to keep the guvmint running. He complains that the bill is "imperfect" because it includes pork money for special projects set aside by members of Congress, including earmarks set by Senator Barack Obama, a practice Candidate Obama pledged to end during the 2008 campaign
- Obama signs Executive Order creating White House Counsel on Women and Girls "to provide a coordinated federal response to the challenges confronted by women and girls and to ensure that all Cabinet and Cabinet-level agencies consider how their policies and programs impact women and families." Translation: men and boys go fuck yourselves"

- Obama warns states and localities that he'll be watching where every penny of the porkulus is spent. "Seriously, guys. No, really, I'm serious about this."
- Obama administration announces that it will direct $8 billion to states to help citizens weatherize their windows

Obama announces that the terrorist scum residing at Gitmo will no longer be classified as "enemy combatants." They will now be known "Democrat voters."

Obama holds head of state meeting with Brazil's president

No clue

Obama expresses his deep disgust and contempt for all that is human upon hearing that AIG executives are to receive retention bonuses that his Treasury Secretary asked Congress to keep in the stimulus bill that Obama signed

Obama wears a green tie for St Patrick's Day as he receives Irish PM at White House. Michelle turned White House fountains green (with her envy); Obama misreads his teleprompter and thanks himself for inviting PM to White House

Obama stands in Oval Office and resolutely declares his picks for NCAA March Madness

In his historic first presidential visit to the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Obama tells Leno that his bowling is on par with those retarded kids in the Special Olympics

- Obama sends a love YouTube video to Iranians in celebration of the Persian New Year
- Michelle Obama breaks ground on Victory Garden

In celebration of the Persian New Year, Iran's Supreme Leader tells Obama to go fuck himself

Obama appears on 60 Minutes, which refuses to pull in tightly on his face as he gamely supports his hack choice of Secretary Treasurer

Obama meets with clean energy entrepreneurs and leaders of the research community to discuss building a clean energy economy and bankrupting Americans in the process by playing favorites with industries and ideas that can't prove themselves in the marketplace without huge government subsidies and regulation of existing industries

Obama chastises Americans for causing Mexico narco-terrorist war and commits $700 million to beefing up the border

The president of the European Union on Wednesday ripped the Obama administration's economic policies, calling its deficit spending and bank bailouts "a road to hell."

Obama holds first "Open for Questions" virtual town meeting at the White House, answering questions from Democrat activists and groupies from across the Intertubes, mostly about legalizing pot

Obama orders 4,000 more military troops into Afghanistan, vowing to “disrupt, dismantle and defeat” the terrorist al-Qaida network in Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan.

The Nation sleeps through Obama's weekly radio/YouTube address

Obama appears on Face the Nation and spews lots of bullshit

- Il Duce fires GM chief Rick Wagoner and takes over control of GM and Chrysler, because he's scared shitless that both companies might enter into rule of law based bankruptcy which would hose his big union supporters
- Signs bill closing off vast tracks of public land to exploration and exploitation by energy firms

Obama heads to Europe to apologize for American exceptionalism

- Some Americans realize the jokes on them
- Michelle Obama touches the Queen of England; Obama gives the Queen an iPod loaded with his speeches and pictures of him walking on water during the campaign

Obama bows to Saudi King Abdullah and then denies it, suggesting that he was practicing his new low five technique

Obama tops himself off in Strasburg: "I think that it is important for Europe to understand that even though I’m now president and George Bush is no longer president, al-Qaeda is still a threat. We cannot pretend somehow that because Barack Hussein Obama got elected as president, suddenly everything is going to be okay.”

Russian President Dorkof Medvedev states the Obama is his "new friend and comrade" and bestest buddy; they plan to meet in Moscow in July

North Korea launches "peaceful satellite" into the Pacific Ocean

Defense Secretary Gates announces drastic cuts in missile defense, including halting further deployment of Alaska-based interceptors designed precisely to shoot down North Korean ICBMs

Obama pays a surprise four hour trip to Iraq in order to get a photo with a bunch of soldiers hand picked to greet him because they voted for him and to tell Iraqis to get their shit together because he ain't gonna let them make him look bad

Obama lays low in White House playing Killzone on his PlayStation 3 and going through the Brooks Brothers Spring Collection catalog; he smokes half a pack of Marlboro Lights

Obama announces that he is directing the GSA to buy up to 20,000 new cars for the government fleet using porkulus money

Obama evidences taking acid when he opines the economy is showing "glimmers of hope"

Obama uses his weekly radio/YouTube address to make a play at being global president by calling for the globe to act globally during the global adversity; globe yawns

White House takes credit for the precision sniping of three Somali pirates, even though the rules of engagement set by the White House were to end the situation peacefully at all costs.

Obama removes some restrictions on US commerce with Cuba, after Cuba continues ignores standing US policy to ease up on its dissidents and political prisoners and talks to Russia about basing bombers on Cuba

Obama crushes the hope of rescue shelter manager across the country by bringing home a pure bred Portuguese water dog for his daughters

Obama pays $855,232 in taxes, mostly stemming from windfall profits associated with his two autobiographies

- DOJ releases Bush era OLC memos regarding interrogation techniques
- NSI Dennis Blair states that “High-value information came from interrogations in which those methods were used and provided a deeper understanding of the Al Qaeda organization that was attacking this country."
- Obama visits Mexico and takes blame for Mexican narco-terrorist war, funded and armed by gun-loving and drug -taking Americans"

At Summit of the Americas, Hugo Chavez presents Obama with a book that savages America's role in Central and South America; Obama says thanks and apologizes for not having any signed copies of his two autobiographies to give to Chavez

Obama later soul shakes Chavez’ hand and gives him a big "amigo" smile for special photo op that both can use to buttress support with their most rabid socialist supporters.

COS Rahm Emmanuel states that Obama is not interested in prosecuting those who devised interrogation policy

Obama holds his first (!) Cabinet meeting, during he pulls off a Dr. Evil routine, demanding the cabinet find $100 million in department cuts.

- Obama, deciding that the criminalization of policy differences is good for the country, states that he wouldn't mind investigating Bush administration officials on interrogation
- Obama signs the Edward M Kennedy Service America Act, which spends gobs of taxpayer money on training otherwise unemployable people on how to be community activists; 5% of the funds are to be devoted to training on extraction of young drunk women from submerged cars.
- Continuing his laser focus on high priority presidential appointments, Obama nominates What'shername to be Director for the Presidential Commission on White House Fellows"

Obama, showing his mastery of the hard issues, backtracks yet again, telling Pelosi and Reid he would not support an independent commission investigation of harsh interrogation techniques

Obama announced plan to get tough with credit card companies, because spendthrift American's should not just be bailed out of their giant mortgage liabilities.

President Barack Obama meets with a family struggling to afford the cost of college and underscored his commitment to cutting wasteful spending on federal student loans by ending taxpayer subsidies to banks. He announces the brave and difficult task of spending $200 billion of taxpayer money to send other people's kids to college.

Obama causes national outbreak of hysterical laughter when he states in his Weekly Address that "we must restore that sense of fiscal discipline. That’s why I’m calling on Congress to pass PAYGO legislation like a bill that will be introduced by Congressman Baron Hill, so that government acts the same way any responsible family does in setting its budget." Some Americans laugh at this.

Obama plays golf for five hours at Andrews Air Force Base Golf Course

- Obama pledges 3% of GDP to be spent on R&D in basic science without specifying where that huge amount of money is coming from
- VP Biden returns to Serious Materials Chicago window factory (Republic Windows and Doors) to beat that dead horse into dog patties
- GM announces that its doing away with the Pontiac brand
- White House orchestrates multiple low flyovers of NYC by one of the Air Force One jets for photo/video updates; shrugs at national outrage over obtuseness of the move and looks for someone named Bush to blame

- Obama, recently praised by conservative squish David Brooks as a "competent manager" who has "run a tremendously effective, efficient managerial administration," orders an internal review to determine how the decision was made to send of one of 747s on a low-flying photo op past the New York City skyline
- Obama praises turn-coat Arlen Specter for topping off his embarrassing turn as a Republican Senator by becoming a soon to be embarrassing Democrat Senator.
- Harry Reid writes in his book that after praising then Senator Obama for one of his speeches, Obama replied with “deep humility:" "I have a gift, Harry."

Obama gains absolute control over the executive and legislative arms of the government; conservatives change their underwear, again