Saturday, January 10, 2009

First Taste

Santa's Butt Winter Porter

Source: Christmas present from sister who is presently on the "not-speaking with" list following family Christmas gathering.

Brewer: Ridgeway Brewing, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom

Marketing BS: "This special holiday porter is made for winter - rich and warming, the way they like it at the North Pole. It was inspired by this famous line from a well-loved children's storybook: 'And Santa sat on his great butt, enjoying a hardy brew . . .' In case you find that amusing, the brewer hastens to point out that in England "butt" refers to a certain sized barrel customarily used for beer - a very large barrel, in fact, holding 108 Imperial gallons. Back in the day it was quite a normal thing for a brewery to put its beer up in a large butt for storage. Still snikering, eh? Get your mind out of the gutter, or Santa will be skipping your house entirely this year."

Translation: We're fucking marketing geniuses by using a ribald reference to Santa's fat ass and using a picture of the little big keistered bastard in order to create a mirthful reaction in the beer case browser, thus ensuring a novelty sale around the holidays.

Setting: Den, under which is nesting some scratching, plotting flea-infested hellspawn.

Bottle: Rich brown cinnamon color, with a hint of coffee stain on a new white Brooks Brothers button down. The neck has an interesting inward curve, perfect for grasping the bottle with your thumb and the bird digit as you stumble down a street. Holds a pint and nine ounces. Not too naughty, not too nice.

Label: Features a big picture of Santa's ass. Frankly, one might suspect Santa's working a deuce just before departure while enjoying his brew and checking his lists.

The Cap: Upon release, nothing. Given it's name, one expects the bloody thing to fart. But, as quiet as a big-assed elf sneaking into your house . . . which is what you should expect from a porter (he wrote, not knowing dick about big assed porters).

Alcohol Content: 6 percent.

Method of Imbibation: A mug that holds exactly one pint and nine ounces of creamy brown Santa's ass juice.

First Swig: Flat as Mrs. Claus' butt. No head to speak of. Really no taste to speak of. It's a lot like Christmas - expectation, fancy wrapping, holiday merrymaking, but once opened, it's the light blue sweater from your mother-in-law that goes right into the AmVets donation bag. A lump of coal in a glass of water would provide more satisfaction.

Competition: Saul Menowitz' Hannukah Hynie Winter Lager

Recommendation: Makes a great novelty gift for siblings or to offer your hated next door neighbor at your New Year's Day open house, but don't buy this for yourself.