Old Chub Scottish Style Ale
Source: Bethesda Market, Bethesda, Maryland
Brewer: Oskar Blues Brewery, Lyons, Colorado
Marketing BS: "The cola-colored beer (almost black) features a tan head, a creamy, skim-milk mouthfeel, and rich, semi-sweet flavors of caramel and chocolate throughout. The addition of smoked grains gives Old Chub a delicate kiss of smoke on the finish. Old Chub is the beer equivalent of a lightly smoked single malt scotch, or your favorite dark chocolate. We call it Rocky Mountain Mutha's Milk. People who tell us defiantly, 'I don't drink dark beer,' often fall deeply in love with Old Chub. We can't blame them."
More Marketing BS: On the can it says, "Old Chub is a behemoth of a beer brewed in the tradition of the finest Scottish style ales. We brew it with huge quantities of caramel and chocolate malt, add a touch of smoked malt. Our liquid philanthropy is your 12-ounce snub to conformity."
Translation of Marketing BS: Our beer is fat and so will you be if you drink too much of it.
Setting: Family room in front of TV
Bottle: Comes in a standard issue aluminum can.
Label: No label, it's a can. Has the look and coloring of a Scotsman's filty kilt or a Catholic school girl's nicely pressed skirt. Bizarro font choice but it screams out at you from the cold case.
The Cap: No cap; it's a can. Tab, though, pulls without so much as a whisper, causing immediate suspicions of a flat waste of time.
Alcohol Content: 8%. You won't have any kind of chub if you drink more than one, buddy.
Method of Imbibation: Straight from the can because SBD is sometimes influenced into a deep dark Irish depression when he sees a really dark beer.
First swig: Flash back to first chugging of a can of Michelob. After that, hints of Reeses peanutbutter cup mixed with Baby Ruth bar, probably because Sydney Brillo Duodenum conducted a taste test of Sydney Brillo Duodenum Junior's leftover Halloween candy before initiating the taste testing. Half way through the alcohol convinces you that it tastes like a chocolate caramel Toffefay soaked in a 15 year old Balvenie, albeit with a hint of tin due to the can.
Competition: Any other obnoxious Colorado micro brewery
Recommendation: Dude, it's got 8% alcohol. Of course you should buy it.