Adventures in the New World

Like that great greedy raping, pillaging biohazard Christopher Columbus, Sydney Brillo Duodenum sailed a great ocean of mayhem and tribulation since his last posting, albeit without the raping, pillaging and infecting, and he was confined to land the entire time.

Friday saw him walking Thomas Jefferson's footsteps at Colonialtown, USA, otherwise known as Williamsburg, VA, as chaperon on his son's 5th grade field trip. Saturday through Sunday he was in the wilds of suburban Maryland, camping with his son's Cub Scout pack. Monday, it was urban warfare on two levels and across 50 aisles at Target.

All of it had meaning and significance for your host, but probably none for the one reader who may discover this blog. SBD shall keep it short and sweet.

Williamsburg: A wonderful place to immerse oneself in the History of this country. One would be hard pressed to visit this grand outdoor museum and leave with little appreciation of the significant Revolutionary War events that took place in and around the city. Unless one were to accompany a 5th grade class on a field trip, in which case one would spend a fair amount of time dissecting the day to day life and activities of a milliner. In short, there was no macro, just micro. There was no, "Here's where Thomas Jefferson did x while Patrick Henry was over here doing Y; and over here is where Cornwallis sat on his horse during the second occupation." Instead, it was, "Here is Mr. Blacksmith and here is Mr. Bucketmaker and here is Mrs. Homespun, and let's not forget Mr. and Mrs. Potterer." Enough with the goddamned artisans! In SBD' world, each child would have been handed a map and a list of ten key, macro events that took place in and around Williamsburg. The teacher would then proceed to each point on the map, discuss the significance of the place and events and then move on. Instead, there was no teaching, other than that provided by a "guide," who invariably in situaitons such as these is a childless retiree who cannot stand to be around children. The teachers left it up to the doyenne to make it all relevant and that must be why the students of Green Group 3 were split in two and spent 30 minutes conducting a contest to see which group could reconstruct a bucket the fastest. Yes, American History in its purest form, that.

So, the school field trip proves to be an indictment of the public school system and the laziness and disinterest of the elementary bureaucrats to engage children in their big "H" history. The biggest concern, though, appeared to be preventing any of the boys in the group from purchasing replicas of weapons from the various gift shops, owing to the school's zero tolerance policy regarding weaponry. Which makes sense, as apparently George Washington's army prevailed over the British by bashing redcoats in the head with buckets, which would then have to be hastily reassembled for the next assault.

Cub Scout Camping: Every year about this time, SBD and SBD Jr. travel a short distance up the Interstate for a bout of camping with SBD's Cub Scout pack. SBD Jr. is a Senior Webelos. A senior what? Indeed. Webelos stands for We Be Loyal Scouts. A truly horrid name but good intentions appear to be behind it. In any event, the SBDs enjoy camping, inconveniences and annoyances aside. There wasn't too much to complain about because SBD Jr. is older now and a little more self-possessed, so there wasn't too much of the corrective admonishment applied. Mostly, it was of the nature of, "If you're going to whittle, move the blade away from your body, not towards it" or "Please do not hold your marshmallow spears at eye level" or "Do not douse the flames with that bacon grease." The three mile hike was likened to the Bataan Death March and there were deep grumbles at not being allowed to finish the ENTIRE bag of Doritos before dinner.

SBD Jr.'s mopiest episode was when he was not chosen by the Cubmaster to represent one of the points on the compass for the big group fire ring ceremony. The Cubmaster likes to put together a very solemn opening ceremony to light the firepit, which is always soaked with about five gallons of gasoline beforehand to ensure a sufficient amount of spectacle. Six Senior Webelos were in attendance, but only four main points on the compass. I suppose SBD Jr. could have been the southeast chinook or the northeastly sirocco, but the Cubmaster is not an all points on the compass type of guy. SBD Jr. was handed a reading part, but for some reason that did not have the significance of holding a gas soaked flaming torche. SBD made it loudly plain to the lad to suck it up. All was forgotten by the time the S'Mores orgy commenced. (see soon to be posted Disendorsement: Jet-Puffed Marshmallows).

Target: SBD enjoys spending an hour or five at Target. On Monday, he spent five hours roving the aisles. Pathetic, really, but SBD enjoys examining new products and loves considering form and function of consummables. Items purchased included Halloween paraphrenalia, including a gorilla suit; antiqued bond paper for an SBD Jr. school project; the Iron Man Special edition DVD set; two camping lanterns; a new sleeping bag and mat for SBD; two types of dog food for Sydney Brillo Dog; a pack of Keurig coffee pods; four pairs of pants, three shirts and one fleece for SBD Jr.; two sets of jammies for Sydney Brillo Duodenumette and a nice sweater; and men's shampoo and soap from Target's Every Man Jack line of toiletries. The things considered but not purchased included a 42 inch Sony 1080i LCD television; a rice steamer; men's jeans designed for a 22 year old asshat; 2-pack Barbasol shaving cream; Hannah Montana imprinted halter top for a 7 year old; a giant Christmas lawn display featuring Santa on a train; and the new Nerf N-Strike Vulcan EBF-25. Afterall, next month's joys must be preserved.