Product Disendorsement

It's a known fact that all things frustrate Sydney Brillo Duodenum and despite his generosity of spotting any given thing, person, or Western idea a benefit of the doubt as to its core feature, he eventually finds himself at a Bridge of Khazad-dum, across which only he can proceed. And he most certainly will not be dragged into the abyss by any damned Balrog.

Today's (or tonight's) Balrog is the Scotch-Brite No Scratch Scrub Sponge. A product of the 3M company, which makes tape and SBD believes Post-It notes. It's all about diversification, isn't it? Unfortunately, this product came in on a shipment of goods directly from Satan's kitchen labs.

This sponge is wonderfully packaged in clear cellophane with just a hint of condensation visible through the package, immediately assuaging one's fear of a hard, unresponsive sponge upon opening. This sponge is ready right out of the bag. No ordinary sponge, it features a sponge side and a scrub side and comes in Patriot Blue, which makes the betrayal all the more poisonous.

How can a sponge betray? What expectations can we hold against the sponge that it might not be able to live up to? This sponge performs flawlessly. There is never not a happy ending for SBDs All Clad after he has massaged it with this sponge. It squeezes dry with one firm grasp. Yet, it's moist and pliable the next morning.

The devil, however, has possessed this sponge with a synthetic mildew odor which clings to one's finger even an hour after doing the dishes. The odor is transferrable to the TV remote, the computer mouse, the 55 or so peanut M&M's consumed in compensation for the duty of televidically attending a presidential debate.

One of you bright readers will castigate Sydney for not understanding that in all moist environments a little fungus must be tolerated. But it is not tolerated! It is not tolerated because Sydney Brillo Duodenum uses an anti-bacterial dishwashing liquid and he knows that not a dogdamned thing can survive it. He knows because otherwise he would have disendorsed the dishwashing liquid. No, this smell is sprayed on at the factory. And its deliberate purpose is to compel me to discard the sponge for fear that real mildew has invaded its deepest pores and to dig another one out from under the soon to be delisted wet Swiffers. Before Sydney knows it, he's back at Costco to buy another 24 pack of the foul little devils.

But no more!

And so, Sydney Brillo Duodenum no longer endorses the Scotch Brite No Scratch Scrub Sponge. He will happily accept your recommendations for a replacement product in the comments.